PMI Holiday Video

Pitsburgh based PMI releases its annual holiday greeting video. It is AMAZING. 'Nuff Said. -

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omg... Sanders did something good!

o-line already looks terrible

embarrassing start with a crappy kick return

I'm going to live-blog this steelers game

mEta

Thinking Socially

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is look at the time on my phone. I immediately then unlock and check my emails. As soon as I am at my desk, I open gmail, facebook, twitter, my blog reader and turn on NPR. My desktop is one of social media, but is that really good for business?

Social Media has to be the term of the decade. When I got to college Facebook was still just an idea in a dorm room at Harvard... the dream of a nerd with a severe lack of useful social skills. Today, as the Director of Marketing for my company, I would be robbing my employer blind if I weren't maintaining our presence on the site.

The most interesting thing about this to me is the sea change that this represents in the world around us.  Gone are the days of hard sell, the cold call.  No longer are newspaper ads the best way to reach your desired demographic.  That coveted 18-35 year-old middle class male has been eclipsed by the 26-40 nerd.  Well, maybe not eclipsed, but rather the two demographics have fused.  As Chris Hardwick of Nerdist Industries often remarks on his "Nerdist" podcast, "nerd culture" has gone mainstream.

This is in part due old executive seeing the money-making potential, but in larger part to the presence (omnipresence, really) of the computer and the web.  In 2006 there was a line in the short-lived but critically acclaimed "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip" in which Bradley Whitford quips "I can cut a feature-length movie on this phone." While intended for hyperbole then, just 5 short years later we are in fact shooting and editing high-definition video on our phones. Connectivity isn't just on the desktop anymore, but it our bags, our pockets and even our kitchen appliances (such as the wifi enabled refrigerator for which I am seeing ads). The world is changing.

What I find most remarkable about this is that it is a reflection of a change in the world in general.  The youth, and young adults of today aren't interested in being told what is cool and hip... they want to find it themselves.  Sites like stumbleupon and tumblr allow users to set up a profile explaining their interests, and then users upload things that fit those interests and at the click of a button (think digital slot machine handle) a site fitting one of the qualified interests shows up.  So while these sites might be seen as "telling" people what is cool, the user feels he or she is seeking the content and therefore engaging it.

The same goes with facebook.  A user uploads content and links that he or she thinks is interesting, and those who are connected can see what has been shared.  Furthermore, the more that facebook refines it's interface, the better this sharing of common interests and ideas gets.  A while back I had a romantic relationship fall apart, and the only way for me not to see my ex on facebook was to delete her as a friend. Today, you can simply check a box next to a person's name and elect never to see any updates from him or her.  In this case, deleting my connection was probably the best solution as it kept me from actively seeking her account out to get updates. However, if someone, say, continually posts updates about their cat, and this just doesn't interest you at all, facebook has allowed you to remain connected with that person without ever having to see an update like "my cat just ate a treat... soooooo cute. hart her!".

What this means for my professional life is that people are interested in sharing and communicating in a 2-way fashion now more than in the past.  People no longer want to be told by a company that this product is cool, or hip. Rather, they want to find it for themselves, engage it and share it with their friends. And honestly, this makes the job of selling that much easier.  It is like the democratization of the corporate world, to some extent.  Put out a good product or brand, and let people chose it by popular vote via "liking" on facebook.  Yes, facebook has whittled down the human experience to its very essence "i like" vs. "i do not like."  It's Darwinian at it's core (survival of the fittest) and democratic on it's face (1,000,000 people like this, including these friends of yours!).

Anyone trying to grow a brand without engaging in facebook and other social media isn't worth his weight in mud.  And big corporation shouldn't be afraid of this, look at the earning potential! If coca-cola had produced "angry birds" and put a free version of it on their facebook page, they would have millions of people playing it there every day. Not only that, but people would have a positive connotation with coke (not that they necessarily don't already) and they would be spending all that time with Coke's brand and messages in their faces... but they would be actively seeking it out.  And, in a rather non-democratic way, the bigger the company, the more potential they have to create something on these sites that people desire to engage.

So, do I spend a lot of my day with a blog reader open, facebook notifications alerting me as much as my emails, and tweets coming in from left and right? You bet I do.  Because if I don't, we will be left behind, shouting into a blank vaccuum where no one will hear us, like us or share.

Why the ASPCA is Evil (or how I learned to stop being proud, and fill myself with shame)

I know I always sound like an old person, but good grief... this one is deserved. 

I was watching a stand-up special last week on Comedy Central and as they went to commercial I heard the worst thing you can hear when watching TV these days: Sarah Mclaughlin's "Arms of the Angels."

Here's why it is the worst thing ever. It's the ASPCA's new theme song for sad looking homeless pets. The music starts, and it's sickening already, but the torture has only just begun. They proceed to show slowed down, black and white footage of the cutest and saddest puppies and kittens you've ever seen in your life. Just big wet, noses behind eyes that say "Why do you hate me? I only want to love!" all trapped in black and white (or worse... sepia!) stacked cages and kennels.

And then... and then comes the voice over: "Join the ASPCA in helping to find animals just like these a home. Save a life, adopt today, or we are GOING TO KILL THIS PUPPY WITH THIS KITTEN AT NOON!" "DO IT!"

(to the tune of Arms of the Angels): Oh this dog is an angel, watch him cry....

VO: "You don't want us to kill this kitten do you?"

(music): And this kitten is an angel, why or why... we must try

VO: "seriously... we put down like 100 of these things each day. If you don't adopt ALL of them you're a bad person."

(music): Cause i have this large needle.... in my hand. And if you don't send me money... man oh man... this dog's damned!

VO: "SEND US MONEY OR THIS DOG'S LIFE IS ON YOUR CONSCIOUS!!! ZIS IZ AUSCHVITZ DOG!"

then no joke... this is true... they show a slow-mo, black and white shot of a sad seal! A SEAL! Who the hell is going to go to the ASPCA and adopt a damned seal? "And this is our master bath... but we have to take sponge baths cause flapper the seal lives in here now."

As a dog lover myself, I got my sister a rescue dog, and that bitch is amazing (the dog... my sister is no b-word!) but I still feel like an awful person every time I see this commercial. Such cheap manipulation. If you're looking for a good cry, just head on over to youtube. I wouldn't recommend it. 

Arrests at PNC

So, as I do year after year, I got really excited about The Pirates opening day again this year. Our first away series was a rousing success leading to yet another year of banding together with friends in pubs for chants of "this is our year" and "let's go bucs!"

Then, home came the buccos for the home opener, and a weekend that saw my friends and I attending more game than, than those we would watch at home in HD. OF the games I attended we split 1-1. Friday's game was a nail-biter that went into 14 innings, and we lost Saturday.

But what was more interesting than the game Saturday were the now-famous arrests below the grandstand. I witnessed both in person, and I've never been so scared in my life as when I saw a police officer fire a tazer at the man being arrested, only to see him stand his ground, un-phased by the tazer. (I found out later one of the cords (terminology?) hadn't connected with the suspect, and thus, didn't complete the circuit (or whatever it takes for those things to work). Still, I was frightened.

We had become friends with the usher in our section, as we were trying to get a wave going in the staadium... i mean, what else were we supposed to do with the Pirates struggling so? As I returned to my seat from watching the first fan get taken down, and escorted out of the stadium the usher said to me "You guys keep away from that stuff... I don't want to see you get in trouble."

His concern was appreciated, if a little strange. I wasn't sure how being a spectator, and in no way hindering the police or encouraging the suspect, could warrant getting in trouble. A few moments later nature made her call, and I jogged up to the restroom. When I emerged, immediately in front of me (and with no crowd having formed yet) was the second suspect, handcuffed and sitting on the ground, seemingly refusing to get up and leave with the police. A crowd quickly formed around her in front of me, and I had to do my best Lynn Swann impression in order to see over the crowd.

I watched a few moments and elected to return to my seat to see if the Pirates were going to pull this one out.

Here is what I don't understand: people were so divided on the issue of why these people were being arrested. One guy in the crowd told me "i don't know why they are arresting him... i don't think he did anything at all."

Really? We are going to speculate and assume that the fan is completely in the right here? All I know is that I saw a fan (who looked pretty angry to me) being escorted down the stairs fromt he GA Bleachers by police, who then struck a park employee, and refused to cooperate with the police. People were calling out "Police Brutality" but this guy was HUGE, and he hit a park employee while being uncooperative.

Now, I had an incident with the police once where I felt i was not treated great: I was speeding (admittedly) and one of PA's finest pulled out behind me (as I slowed to the speed limit) and he followed me for a mile and half before putting his lights on, as which point I pulled over, turned on the dome lights (at 2pm on a sunny summer afternoon), rolled down my window, and placed my hands where they were visible, at "!0" and "2" on the steering wheel. When the officer got to my window, I was polite, cooperative, and apologetic. He, on the other hand, acted as if he had just nabbed Capone personally with a shipment of hooch from Canada. He yelled and chastised me as only one could who was once passed over for the position of "Hall Monitor" and had worked his life to become some sort of authority figure and put the jocks in their place. I was a little unhappy about this, because while I had certainly been in the wrong, I was now being as cooperative as possible and didn't feel my actions warranted the attitude I was receiving.

In his defense, however, he was much more calm and professional at the appeal hearing, and the charges were graciously dismissed.

So, back to the arrests at PNC Park, I can sympathize with not always feeling a sense of due process in the moment of police intervention, but when one is resisting arrest, and assaulting park staff it seems that one has become more of a threat to the general population. And this guy was big... like I said, I was a little afraid he was going to "get loose," as it were, and do God-only-knows what to the people around him. I won't lie... I quickly analyzed where I would run to avoid the wrath of the angered bull-man. So, when the police attempted to taze the man, and then hit him repeatedly with night sticks, I was shocked, yes, but also a little relieved to see that something was being done.

I don't care what you did, you have to cooperate with the authorities... especially in a setting like that. resisting arrest isn't going to get you anything but bruises and more charges. I know from my days as an RD in college... I HATED to have to confront residents for violations (especially alcohol related ones). And I was always able to be more lenient and gracious if they just complied and were cooperative. There were even incidents where I found underage kids drinking in the public lounges, and if they agreed to dispose of their beers, and go somewhere else I wouldn't do anything. You know they are just going to go drink elsewhere, and writing them up for a judicial review isn't going to change the culture of a college campus. In fact, these guys, aside from drinking underage, were often drinking pretty responsibly, i.e. they weren't plastered, they weren't chugging beers, and they weren't playing games or anything... just enjoying a couple of brew against the rules. I'd rather they go drink responsibly where it wasn't my problem. The moral, just cooperate.

So, in all the controversy surrounding the arrests, I can say from a first-hand perspective that I was ok with what happened from the police's angle. I wish it hadn't come to that but I felt safer.

now... if they just would have kicked out that annoying woman in the pink Penn State hoodie who felt it was her job to point out to the ushers all the people she felt were being obnoxious. She should have been kicked out simply for missing the irony of how obnoxious she was.

Why I'm Finally Worried About the Pirates

The men on my paternal side of the family love baseball. I cannot tell you how important the game is to males with Simons blood. I'm honestly not sure that my Dad and Grandfather would be able to spend an extended period of time together without the sport, and all of it's facts, history, statistics, weird rules and 4 World Series Pirates teams. (This is not to say that the two of them wouldn't get along, it just seems to be their default topic of conversation.)

i'm the black sheep of my breed. I like Hockey, and i LOVE football. Where my dad and grandfather and cousins can sit and watch any baseball game on television, i can watch any NFL game, and most college football games. They seem as though they could care less about football.

And, you know what? That's fine. It doesn't offend me. Being brought up in that environment, I certainly have a soft-spot of baseball in my heart, but really only in going to actual games. As a kid my dad and grandfather would load the car up with bags, and we set out for a 2 to 4-day trip each summer, and see as many baseball games as we could. It was usually three or four minor league games, and then one major league game in a nearby city like Cincinnati, Cleveland, Baltimore, etc.

Aside from the trip to Chicago (which was by far my favorite) i couldn't tell you a damned thing about any of the games we saw. Not a thing. Not who won, who played (although based on the city I could make an informed guess about one of the teams in each game), not whether it was a night or day game. Not if it was a double header, or if we left early. The one exception to this is that when we saw the Orioles play in Baltimore, Cal Ripken Jr. was in the midst of his famous consecutive games streak, and by the 5th or 6th inning he had two or three errors. The only reason i remember this is because the guy in front of us stood up and shouted "Ripken... YOU NEED A VACATION!" and sat back down.

What I DO remember from these games is spending time with my dad and grandfather. Frankly, a lot of the time spent in the car was pretty awful. And my grandfather would take a hotel without a roof over one with a roof if we could save five bucks. However, spending time with my father and his, was worth it all.

I remember a trip to New York State where we didn't even see an MLB team play (i only know that cause the only MLB team I can think of is the Yankees, and I've never been to New York City). We saw a few minor league teams, and might have visited the Hall of Fame but I don't really remember anything about any of that. What I do remember, is going to Sydney. My grandfather grew up in Sidney, and we spent a day driving around this small town while my grandfather recounted memories from his childhood. It was amazing. That will stick with me forever.

My favorite trip was the one to Chicago. I was a junior in highschool, and I was looking at Colleges, although I was pretty overwhelmed by the whole process (that lead to a general feeling of apathy and resignation resulting the following exchange My Dad:"Could you be any more passive-agressive?" Me: "I'll try."). This trip was by far the strangest and most memorable. We saw a Cubs game and White Sox game. The cubs game was an afternoon game, and when we got to the stadium (Wrigley was gorgeous, by the way) four of the starting Cubs had been Pirates when we left Pittsburgh. It was also the Chicago Air Show, so there were jets and bi-planes doing aerobatics out past Center Field the entire game. And, as if that weren't enough surrealism, this was the game that became infamous for Ozzie Osbourne singing (singing? more like slurring and grumbling) "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. They still show that on ESPN today.

The next night was saw the White Sox win on a Frank Thomas walk-off home-run. Quite a couple of games.

Again, though, the things I remember from these trips are not so much the baseball itself, but the time spent with my Father and Grandfather. I remember leaving the Sox game in the midst of an AMAZINGLY dense crowd of drunken Chicago natives, all trying to get to the L, me walking with my Grandfather and his bad hip, and my dad frustratedly weaving through the crowd getting ever farther away, like Hannibal Lechter disappearing into the masses at the end of "Silence of the Lambs"... except not in a mass-murderer kind of way. As we began to lose him, i said "Uh-oh... Jim... main-man Jim. J-I-M" in what I didn't quite realize was an inappropriately good Rainman impression. What was even better, was my grandfather (a man who isn't one for antics) joined me. So here are two guys, each around 6-foot tall, one shuffling from a 78-year-old bad hip, the other shuffling from what can only be assumed by other as autism, in the middle of a crowd, saying over and over "very crowded.. very...very unsafe in this crowd." and "where did jim go? mainman jim." The problem with this is that while it started as an inside joke between my grandfather and myself, it was fast becoming a part of everyone else's reality around us. And you cannot suddenly come out of that impression because people will think you are being insensitive. So... yeah... we had to commit to the premise.

The great thing, is that as people in the crowd around us started to notice, they started to take pity on us, and move out of the way. It was like Fezzik parting the crown in The Princess Bride. People just sort of started to move out of the way, and look at us, and give us that "you can do it!" smile. All the time I'm thinking "i'm gonna have to answer for this one when i die" but still saying "Uh-oh, jim. J-I-M, jim."

And then, as the crowd parted, we began to once again see my father... still weaving through the crowd, now moving even faster, trying to get away from the scene we were creating, doing his best (if unintentional) Angry-Tom-Cruise imitation. And somehow, making him mad was only encouraging my grandfather and me as we kept up our Dustin Hoffman impressions. That, was a moment I will never forget, and I owe it all to baseball.

So the reason that I am worried about the pirates is this: I may lose all that. And while I'm not a huge baseball fan, I do LOVE going to games now that I am an adult.

Two years ago I offered to take my grandfather and grandmother to a game in may. It was like pulling teeth. I said "there is bus that stops a block from your house in Sewickley and will drop you off at the gate to the stadium. I'll buy the tickets, I'll meet you there, and I'll drive you home after the game. They didn't want to sit in the sun. I got tickets in the shade. They complained it was too cold.

Last year, my father didn't get season tickets with the group that he usually does. No one cared enough, so they didn't do it. I was talking to my dad this weekend as we were driving out to buy my new car (a story that deserves a blogpost of its own) and he said "you know, I only made it to one baseball last year, and that was the one I went to with you where they had their worst loss in franchise history."

That is what scared me. This is the guy who's said the benediction at Willie Stargell's funeral. This is the guy who would throw me in the backseat of a jeep for three days and had his father teach me how to keep a box score for fun. This is the guy who went to every season opener he could, including the one where EVERYONE in the stadium threw their free pirate flags on the field after an inside-the-park-home-run but KEPT his to give to his only son... this guy is now apathetic about the team?

That is why I am worried about the Pirates. One of their most loyal loyalists has given up. And what's worse... I might lose the glue that bonds the Simons men. The Buccos better get it together.

A Slightly More Accurate Nursery Rhyme

So, I was watching Jeopardy and the answer was "this was the number of birds baked into a pie and placed before the king... what a dainty dish indeed!"... or something as weird. The answer, of course, was "4 and 20".

This got me thinking about the absurdity of this nursery rhyme. Seriously...

Sing a song of Sixpence
Pocket full of rye
4 and 20 Blackbirds
Baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened
The Birds began to sing
Now wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king.

Dumb. That is not at all a realistic portrayal of how this story would have gone down. And, maybe its to keep the harsh realities of the world from our children, but i think that makes kids weak and, frankly, dumb. If I had a kid who knew this rhyme, and i came home and found him or her baking birds into a pie and expecting to present it to some king I would be ticked, but not at the kid... at society for this rediculous rhyme.

That is why I will be teaching my kids more realistic versions of nursery rhymes. Take this for example... a much more accurate telling of how that story probably would happen:

"Someone was in the kitchen
Dunk on Rye
When 4 and 20 blackbirds
got baked in a pie
when the pie was opened
those burned birds began to scream
luckily the drunken one
happened to be the Queen."

No kid is EVER going to try to reenact this rhyme... and if he or she does, you know you have a sociopath, and you don't even need to pay a doctor to get the diagnosis.

John, Paul and Christmas

Everyone knows that by the end of the 60's John Lennon and Paul McCartney were headed in different directions creatively.

I don't really care what side you come down on on that issue, it doesn't matter. I've personally always trended toward McCartney's stuff myself, but that is cause John just seems to serious to me. But if you need an indication of how polar their directions were look no further than the Christmas "hits" the put out after the split.

John: (nasally and overly-sincere voice) "So this is Christmas, And what have you done, Another year over, And a new one just begun"

Paul: (overly jolly) "Simply, having, a wonderful Christmas time. Simply, having, a wonderful Christmas time."

John: "So this is Christmas, and what have you done, the war is over, and you're really bummed!"

Paul: "Simply, having, a wonderful Christmas time. Simply, having, a wonderful Christmas time."

John: "So this is Christmas, and what have you done, you murdered a soldier, and killed all our mums"

Paul: SIMPLY, HAVING, A WONDERFULCHRISTMASTIME! SIMPLY, HAVING, A WONDERFULCHRISTMASTIME!!!!

Why Everyone was Wrong

Growing up I was told by adults "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."

That's a crock, because if that were true, I would dress like this everyday:

In the words of Inigo Montoya in The Princess Bride "Lemme esplain... no there is too much, lemme sum up."

I am wearing a space helmet, because my job would be to fly in outer space and fight bad guys on space stations. I know they didn't wear helmets like that in Star Wars, but that helmet is awesome. Just look at it.

Also, I am wearing a tuxedo because I would also be a James Bond style intergalactic spy.

If i showed up to work in a Space Helmet and a Tuxedo I have a feeling I would end up talking to the HR representative against my will. Adults lied. I cannot wear this to work.

Genius

This is one of the best mashups I've ever heard. It is brilliant, and both songs (good in their own rite) are actually better together. More bass would be good, and maybe a little more cowbell... just sayin'.

PUT IT DOWN!

Yeah, yeah... so I'm 25. That doesn't mean this isn't one of the greatest songs ever written. Up there with "Won't Get Fooled Again," and "Bach's Suite for Solo Cello No. 1 in G Major, BWV 1007: I. Prélude". This song is amazing.

Luv in txt 4m.

My father was talking to my grandmother recently, and she was relaying a story form her childhood... a story my father had never heard. He said "Mom, you need to be writing these stories down so we have them forever."

"I can't," she said, "My typewriter broke in 1994."

Headdesk.

So, being the man my father is he bought his mother a typewriter... a typewriter that scares her because of "all its computer parts." It has an LCD screen that says if the caps lock is on. Wow.

Anyway, that isn't really the point of this post. The point is that when I sat down at this machine and stamped out a letter to my dad, so to demonstrate to my octogenarian grand-maternal relative that it was an easy device to use, I realized that there might not ever be another really good letter written.

It used to be that letter writing was one of the most romantic ways to express your feelings for someone. But today we have email, facebook, instant messenger, texting and twitter. My friend's dog recently passed away. This was a dog that I knew well, and loved as if he was my own pet. I found out hours after it happened because his sisters had messages about Duke on Facebook. That is lame. I found out the same way that one of my best friends in the world was engaged an hour before she called to tell me. SUPER lame.

Old people have great stories about writing letters to each other across the country, and getting letters from boyfriends in France during the war. What are we going to tell our grandchildren about how we met our spouses?

"Oh, your grandfather was so sweet. He used to post the funniest links on my wall, and always added an extra 'LOL' to let me know he thought it was funny, and that I should enjoy it. He also used to make me text him when i got home safe from his place. I text 'made it home. thnx 4 dinner!' and he'd respond with a heart-skipping 'g'nigt cutie. Colon, dash, closed parenthesis' and I'd send a flirtatious 'colon, dash, capitol P' with a 'u' and an 'r' and a 'g-r-8'. I wish i had saved those texts, but alas they are lost to the ether. Such is romance."

Headdesk.

Oregon Trail

So I recently realized that everything I learned about the Oregon Trail came directly from the computer game. Here are a few bullet points:

1. I know that you want to be either the Banker so you can buy tons of goods for the trip, or the Doctor, cause everyone is going to get Dysentery, or be bitten by a snake.

2. NEVER ford the river... all your freaking Oxen will die.

3. Hunting is awesome... but you will never be able to carry all the bison you shoot. You just won't.

4. There is no way you are reaching the end of the trail.

5. It is funny to name family members things like "Your Crotch" so that midway through the game/trail you get a message like "Your Crotch got Typhoid and died."

(Snicker)

That is about it. I cannot even tell you why people were fleeing to Oregon on what is almost certainly a doomed trek. No one ever beat the game. What were these people escaping? Were they being persecuted in Chicago for their wagons and deicided to head out into the wild west? I have news for you... if you walked like a mile west of Chicago you were in the Wild West. There was nothing out there. Why go all the way to Oregon? Just to get away from all the civilization?

Also... remember the Donner Party? The people who got lost and ended up eating each other to stay alive? I think what really happend is that they stopped at an Olive Garden halfway along their journey, but it was the dinner rush and they couldn't wait.

So when their name was finally called it was like "Donner, party of 10... Donner, party of 10... Donner, party of... 9? Donner party of... 8?"

hah. Cannibalism.

Bell-Bottom Jeans

Candy Bar