WARNING: this post contains a bad word...

I was at subway the other day for lunch (like every day of the week) and there was a kid in front of me with all these tattoos and piercings... basically one of those punks who wants to look as intimidating as possible.

He was also one of those kids who feels the need to sprinkle swear words throughout his sentences like negative pixie dust to mask any potential feelings of sensitivity he might have.

He got up to the front of the line... and ordered as follows... in the toughest voice he could muster... "I'll have the sweet onion chick'n teriaki on 'talian herb 'n cheese... 'n shit."

You know what? It IS hard to order ANYTHING on Italian Herb and Cheese bread and sound manly... especially something that starts with "sweet onion"... i should know i do it every day. It just never occurred to me that adding "and shit" to the end of the order made it tough.

Being behind him in line i thought about ordering the "sweet onion chicken teriaki on italian herb and cheese bread WITHOUT the shit, please"... or "if i get that same order can you hold the shit?" and the classic "wow! when did you guys start carrying shit on the menu?"

Instead, i cleared my throat, and in the most specific and well spoken voice of sincerity i said "i too will be having the 'sweet onion chicken teriaki on itialian herbs and cheese bread and shit..."

at the least the girl behind the counter laughed...

Take Me Out OF the Ballgame...

Last night I was at the ballpark for the Pirates-Yankees game in which the Pirates beat NY 12-5. Bows... thank you so much.

I was sitting in section 115 behind homeplate, enjoying the game when suddenly there was something two rows in front of me that took my attention...

A man in his late 50's or early 60's (i'd guess) started having an early onset stroke. His son was concerned and a kid we had dubbed "Mr. Obnoxious" stepped in to help. A doctor was called down from the section while the usher waived a yellow card for the paramedics to find the situation ASAP...

Here is the kind of funny part: The guy didn't seem at all phased by the fact that he was having a stroke. The doctor who was upholding his Hippocratic Oath kept asking the guy questions, to which he would nod, or shake his head, then... this was priceless... the guy having the stroke would lean around the crowd of assistance in front of him to see what was going on with the game...

The guy had a blood clot in his brain causing serious problems and he is thinking... "Boy, i hope that cheering means we just struck A-Rod out... better take a look."

Props to the people who helped him out... seriously. And kudos to the gentleman having the stroke as well. He seemed to calm, and collected as they strapped him to the stair stretcher, and then hobbled up the awkwardly spaced steps with him...

So, having described his general demeanor I don't think the following thought I had is ALL that sick... just a little.

They were getting him on the stretcher at the 7th inning break when we all stand and sing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame..."

all i could think was "Get me out of the ballgame, get me out of this crowd..."

yeah, i guess i have issues with humor...

Some more things i have learned

A) REO Speedwagon cannot be listened to quietly. I tried today. When Handel was over, i elected to have The Wagon serenade me as i worked... i had to crank the earphones to get the right effect.

August 14th.... August 14th...

B) "Stuck Behind a Bus" would be both a challenging and terribly awful/frustrating arcade game, as evidenced my commute this morning. After getting away from the bus i was stuck behind on 65, i ended up behind a different one downtown. That'll add a good ten minutes to the commute.

C) Google is taking over the world, and I'm sadly behind. I found a new feature on google this morning called teh "Street View"... ok, so it was new to me. I spent the last four years in Meadville. If the street you are looking at is outlined in blue (most all of pittsburgh qualifies) you can click on it, and there are panoramic 360 degree pictures every 8 feet or so travelling down the street...

it is like driving. I saw my apartment, and the office, and people waiting for buses... nuts. Totally nuts.

soon the CIA will just be the GIA... the Google Intelligence Agency.

I bet if we think there are weapons of mass destruction somewhere in the future we'll just log on google... "oh look! there they are!... and what do you know, if you take that off ramp into that cave over there... Osama!"

Don't think it won't happen. We're almost there.

Allegheny Ebay

A) I have been looking online for a while now and this is my conclusion: The Allegheny College Seal is not online. Anywhere. Boo.

B) Try this: Do an Ebay search for "Allegheny College"... Today i found the following:

1) Several old Post-Cards that i do not own, including this one of what is now Alden Hall (this was before the fire and renovations). This is the side that faces main street... right next to Caflisch
2) Several old Post-Cards that i DO own. Ka-ching!
3) An Allegheny College security badge (apparently someone tore the stitches out so they could get off the shirt)
4) A bunch of old yearbooks
5) This little nugget: Its an old "pep song"... from back when the school had spirit. The listing has some lyrics printed which include,


"Fair Alma Mater, you've been true; Thru thick or thin we'll stick by you. You have been our shield; we will never yield. On the floor or field, and we're goin' to start to Fight, Allegheny......"



Also, the listing says that the pages will be sent in a "stiff mailer"

... that's... what... she... said... ?

So Original

Ok... i do love this city. Honest. That is why i made sure to move here after school.

BUUUUUUUUUUT... i don't get some stuff. Like this article in the Post-Gazette this morning:

"Movie Review: 'Get Smart' a fun ride, but misses out on originality"

...sigh... Ok, Post-Gazette... Fun Ride? i'll allow it. Misses out on originality? Are you kidding me? It is a film adaptation of a 1960's TV show! (one that happens to also be a fun ride...) Are you missing this? How original is any adaptation ever going to be? If you are re-making something... that means it was already made. The original is already out there... the "originality ship" set sail in 1965... no one is EXPECTING this to be original. The PG might as well have said "Get Smart: A Movie." That is about as informative as "Get Smart.. not original."

Things of Which I Shall Never Tire

A) Dunkin' Donuts Coffee

B) Singing fake German lyrics to English Songs. Don't judge me.

C) Karaoke

D) The look on the faces of people behind me in traffic when i hit my rear window cleaner and the windshield wiper fluid shoots at their car in a nicely arching jet. I pulled it this morning in traffic on Forbes Ave. The girl behind about peed her pants.

E) Cooking breakfast and then having my grandmother INSIST that she is going to clean the pots and pans.

F) My Car.

ok... time to get that DD coffee... mmmmmmmmmm...

A Nugget

I forgot a little nugget from the other night.

We were sitting at dinner, and we heard meowing (or as grandma says "screaming") from the garage. My seat at the table is right next to the door, so reached over, and let the cat in.

He came in, meowed, ate about 3 pieces of dry cat food from his bowl, and went back to the door.

I opened it with one hand, as i kept eating with the other.

Grandpa: "I guess he just came in for a 'quickie'"

Me: "Yeah, that's not what that is..."

He immediately broke down with laughter. Grandma didn't follow. Good thing, i guess...

A Pittsburgh Commute Race

Driving in this morning, i hit almost no significant traffic. I have been toying with the idea of getting a a motorcycle or a scooter to save on gas prices... i am even thinking of riding my bicycle in to reduce my gas usage... not cause it is green... but because i am a capitalist, and it makes better economic sense.

So today, I was sitting at a light on Grant Street when a cyclist from the office passed me on the sidewalk. We had to get up to SoHo to the office, so i ran a little experiment (my engineer grandfather has me hooked on figuring economic stuff out like this). I figured, i'll drive the speed limit like i always do in the city, and see who gets to the office first.

I paced it just right, hit every light green, or just about to turn green, and when i turned down the side street to get to our private lot, i could see that bike-boy was a good two blocks behind me.

I had, indeed, gotten to the parking lot first. But then i realized i had a good block and a half to walk to get into the building.

Bike wins.

He even had to ride up hill, through Duquesne. Bike wins.

However, i am lazy, and don't enjoy being sweaty, or riding in loafers. Time to start looking for a scooter...

The Casket

There has been a large, grey, heavy duty, foam lined computer case in the office for a week and a half. It stores a stand-alone computer console for a game a client wanted for a convention or something. That is irrelevant. The thing is huge and rectangular... large enough for a person to easily be placed in... or even buried in. Hence, it became known as the "Casket".

Today, with everything ready to be shipped, the casket was carried out of the building. I was sitting at my desk as it was carried by in classic funerial fashion, a bearer on each side, and out of nowhere the edit suite starts playing the airy, breathy, choir-only version of "My Heart Will Go On" from Titanic.

Aduie, "The Casket."

Pittsburgh has Politics?

A) There is a CostCo bag of DD Coffee here. Mmmm... i dunno about life, but IIIIII run on Dunkin'.

B) So this "gritty feeling i have in my right eye when i wear my contacts" is apparently an allergic reaction to something... undetermined. So, i am wearing glasses for 10 days. I forgot what a pain that is.

C) Listening to WDUQ this morning on the drive in, i heard that there is a group or a movement going by the name "The Whiskey Rebellion 2," and that they are trying to get a referendum on the November Ballot to repeal the "Onorato Tax" (the 10% added tax on any alcoholic beverage). Onorato is threatening a response he is calling "The Property Tax Rebellion."

I don't even know what to think, to be honest. There is a part of me that is thinking, "well... the money has to come from somewhere..." and the other part of me is thinking "i do hate paying 14 dollars for two beers."

What ALL of me is thinking is this. "The Property Tax Rebellion"? No. That is not in the LEAST what he is proposing. What Onorato is proposing should be called something along the lines of "The Great Dark Alternative" or, "Onorato's Reign of Terror." Call it like it is, Dan, Case here is the thing: Rebellions are always AGAINST the man... and you cannot rebel AGAINST the man if you ARE the man. Don't get me wrong, i am no anarchist or anything... this is just how it works. YOU, Daniel, are part of what these people are rebelling against, cause you are in power. You cannot rebel if you HAVE the power. There is nothing against which to rebel. gawd.

And, as i alluded to with my suggestions for alternative names to the plan, why do politicians have to be so un-inventive? To borrow from the West Wing, i would wager that Onorato is so unimaginative if he ever became President (God-Forbid) his secret service code name would be "Dan Onorato." I bet when they form a committee to start fixing the bridges and potholes in and around the Pittsburgh, he will want to call it "The Committee To Fix The Bridges And Potholes In And Around The City Of Pittsburgh."...

The CTFTBAPIAATCOP... look out. It's coming.





...also... Dan Onorato... when you say that doesn't it beg a jingle to the tune of "camp anawana..." i cannot possibly be the first to think of that...

Clearly, I've never been to Singapore

Sigh... and not the good kind...

Remember when Captain Jack Sparrow says to Miss Orlando Bloom "clearly you've never been to Singapore..."? (i may have that wrong, but whatev...)

Well... he may have been on to something, as it seems to be a very different world.

From Reuters:
"Singapore man with a penchant for sniffing women's armpits was sentenced to 14 years in jail and 18 strokes of the cane for molesting his victims, a local newspaper reported Friday."

The article goes on to say that his penchant for sniffing armpits is not just an identifying trait, but the reason he is in trouble... just to clarify.

So this guy molests women in a very odd way... repeatedly. 23 women over the course of 15 months, apparently. He is clearly not stable, and i think that 23 known occurrences certainly counts as "repeat offenses."

So good, lock him up, keep the women safe. It makes sense. But 18 strokes of the cane? Is this like 1770 or something?

(To be read in a high-class British accent): "You sir, have been most naughty, and in lieu of a penalty of 30 days in the stocks in the towne square, we have elected to induce the penalty of cane-ing. You shall receive 18 strikes of the cane to the buttocks in the town center as a public spectacle of humiliation and degradation (women shall be excluded from said spectacle), where your buttocks shall be beaten until red. This decree is sent forth from..."

you get the idea. Anyway, that is just what a perverted sexual molester needs... a spanking.

iPod Nano, or iPod Nana?

A) Status of "The Battle to Make Friends With the Cat"... I'm still losing

B) How is it that Pittsburgh traffic is so inconsistent? Today i left the house at 7:30, and was at the office... inside, and at my desk eve, at 5 till 8. last week i left at 7:25 one morning and was not here until 8:35... whatever. Its quiet if you get here early.

C) The Ballad of Gramma and the iPod.

So, my grandmother was thinking about getting an iPod, but of course was not able to open one up at the store and play around with it. So when i showed up for my stay with her and my grandfather, she asked me if i could give her some help in looking.

I gave her my iPod and a pair of production headphones (the bigs ones that would make you look like you are guiding an airplane to the hangar if you only had large orange flashlights in each hand) and i showed her the basic functions. I got her hooked up with my Frank Sinatra collection, and she was off to the races.

After a good 30 seconds she took off the headphones and said "that sounds so good!" so i told her just to play with the thing as long as she wanted, and i went off to the other room to talk to my grandfather at his desk.

A few minutes later we can hear a buzzing noise... then footsteps and she appears in the doorway. "STEVE! YOU HAVE TO HEAR THIS! ITS AMAZING!" Patiently and lovingly he indulged her as she put the headphones on his head, and then... then she pushed play.

I thought my grandfather was going to have a heart attack. He jumped about 8 feet out of his chair... then bobbed up and down with the music, took off the headphones and said "that is nice!"... i had forgotten that my grandmother had taken out her hearing aids before putting on the headphones... (smacks forehead with palm).

Anyway, she looked at him and said "i want one. and now we need to get a computer..." and then wandered off smiling, and listening to Frank.

my grandfather just hung his head, looked over at me and said "what did you do?... this is terrible... just... just terrible."

Gator vs. Cat

So, the grand parents have a cat. I am not a cat person. At all. Unless it is a puma, or a tiger... Then you have my attention. Nay, I am one of the people who likes dogs... Animals that are loyal and loving and who do not staybout all night without telling you where they are going, only to show up in the morning to puke in the hallway or lickthemselves hairless on you bed.

So you can imagine how happy I was when my grandfather said ... "here is your bathroom... You'll be sharing it with the cat."

I decided then and there to make friends with the cat. "the battle to be friends with the cat" had begun. I consulted some cat-loving friends, and got some pointers... I have let mr. Chester in and out at his will and even slipping him extra treats: it is not working. I am sad to report that he is winning the battle to make friends with the cat. Grrrrrr... Not the purring kind.

Grandparents vs. Technology

It occurs to me that my current living situation might be good blog fodder. Lemme ‘splain:

I have an apartment in Highland Park, but it will not free up until August. Seeing as how my job started long before that, I needed a place close to this city that I love where I might live in the interim.

The obvious choice was my grandparents place up the Ohio River Boulevard. Not to be too specific with where the house is, but it is in the same neighborhood as the Lemiuexs and Sid the Kid. ;-)

So I’m living with the g-rents, and it has been awesome. My cousins live in Chile, and since they carve out a month of their summer every year to come live with these g-rents, they actually have spent much more time with them over the years… I am relishing the opportunity to live with them now. Plus, their place has central air.

So I imagine there will be a theme here for a while where I blog about the crazy stuff I run into with them. Here are a few tid bits:

A. My grandparents open the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette everyday, cut out the crossword puzzle, clip it to a clip board and when I come home it is almost completed.

It seems they are excited to have me around because I can help fill in some of the pop-cultural references to which they are not privy. The other day my grandfather asks me “do you know the company that produced Lord of the Rings?” “Newline Cinemas” I said. “Newline? With a ‘w’”—“yes. Newline.”—“well, I had the N-E-W and the I-N-E…” Then he informs me that the “L” also fills in this clue “Beatles song: I am the ____” “Walrus I said” – “yes, I had the W-A and the R-U-S.” wa_rus… wow.

B. My grandparents are not particularly tech-savvy… no computer, same TV for the past 15 years or so…

So I have been working on them. I got my grandmother to get herself an iPod to help with her tinnitus… that story is worth it’s own post to come later…

I also brought them a DVD player. Let me put this in perspective… They just got rid of their BETA deck… a medium that has not been on the consumer market for a good 25 years. So when I showed up at the house one afternoon with a DVD player for them, they were a little overwhelmed.

I said “I’m sick of you two complaining that there is nothing on, then quoting the lines in ‘Everybody Loves Raymond” 6 second before the character says them… so I brought you a DVD player… and 7 seasons of Cheers… and The West Wing…”

They told me to just replace the VCR with it… and couldn’t even remember how to turn the VCR on.

So I got it all hooked up, and we gathered around the new device, both of them looking at it as if pushing the wrong button might cause a small explosion that would require emergency services.

I gave them a walkthrough of the basic functions, and we watched the first several episodes of “Sports Night.”

The next night, I walk in from work to find them staring a screen displaying 9 images of different chapters from the “Casablanca DVD.”

“I tried to pause it when we heard you walk in, and I think I broke it,” was the response I got from my grandfather, who was sitting there with a “well… this sucks” expression on his face.

... we'll just assume...

Ok... so...

A spider monkey escaped from its enclosure at the zoo in Michigan City Indiana... by climbing up a garden hose.

Apparently crews were draining the moat that keeps the monkeys in, left the hose hanging down into the enclosure and our little friend, who was used to thinking "there is no way out of this dump" started thinking "not anymore..."

First, i cannot believe that a moat can keep these guys in the pen at all. That is crazy. Monkeys have got to be able to swim Especially in still water. Unless of course there are large, monkey eating fish or crocodiles in the moat, but with PETA around, i doubt that would ever fly. "oh look it is like the natural world!" -- "NO! We are PETA, and we thinking animals are people... they shouldn't be subject to the natural world... or zoos... or both... or... lets go get more red paint!"

Go luck PETA.

The other thing that gets me is this line

"Zoo Director Johnny Martinez says workers had figured the monkeys would remain inside their enclosure during the cleaning despite the lack of water in the moat to act as a barricade"

... blink... blink...

Apparently the workers at the zoo are bulking up their resumes in hopes of being the next James Bond Villains. "We will empty the containment devices, turn our backs and trust that monkeys don't try to escape and run back the wild where they belong. What could go wrong?"

I dunno... they could... uhm... escape?

"You're not listening... it's foolproof!... we will TAKE AWAY all the things that keep these creatures contained then we will not watch while we clean their area and leave a vine-like instrament dangling to the outside world near these animals that are natural climbers and tree-dwellers and trust that they will just stay put. We are people... they are animals. We are SO much more clever."

HAH!

Where to now...?

Well, the Ghetor has graduated and moved on from the Village of Mr. Meade, and now must decide what to do with this blog. All four people who read it must be waiting with bated breath.

I have taken a job in Pittsburgh, where my heart has always been, and couldn't be happier where i am. I had considered blogging about the burgh, but there are some bloggers to whom i would never match up in this city... so i will leave that niche up to them.

Therefore, in lieu of not writing at all, i will just post "the misadventures of a Ghetor Grad" on here.

I was at a Stanley Cup final game in Pittsburgh (the game was being played in Detroit, but for five dollars one could buy a ticket to The Civic Arena (i will never call it the mellon arena) and watch the game on the jumbotron) and wouldn't you know i was sitting next to another allegheny alum? she graduated a couple years ahead of me... actually taught me pivot turns in the waltz as my Ballroom T.A. Later in that game, a kid ended up standing next to me... looked familiar. He is a year behind me in school.

Blame it on "everyone at Allegheny is from Pittsburgh" but Gators are everywhere.

I have seen 6 Allegheny bumper stickers on different cars on the Parkway and 65 North in the last two weeks.

Anyway... i'll have to have some adventures so i can post them on here.